“Get in there and clean your room/do the dishes/take out the garbage/mow the lawn before I beat you like I was Joe Jackson and Michael missed a step!” was such a common phrase in our household vernacular it caught me off guard that Ultimate Stage Dad Papa Joe has lashed out against allegations that he ever laid a hand on the goose that laid the silver sequined egg:

“The media keep hollering about saying that I beat Michael. That’s not true. You know what this beat started — beat started in the slavery days,” Jackson said. “Where they used to beat the slaves and then they used to torture them. That’s where this beating started. These slave masters, and that’s where that come from. … Now, Michael was never beaten by me. I’ve never beaten at all.”

He doesn’t think forcing a 7 year old into a life of fame is slavery? We all know good and well if Michael had tried to sneak out the house Joe would have gotten an axe from the Big House and lopped off one white sock and black penny loafer Kunte Kinte stylo. He needs to learn to make money himself and not off the backs of his children. He can go sit in a tub of bleach and rent himself out as a Marlon Brando impersonator.

OK, I know what you are thinking. How is a squirt gun going to ward off the paparazzi? When it’s filled with her bodily fluids and secretions. Don’t look at me like that, there was a a much worse joke to be made involving lesbians and squirting but I chose to take the less hilarious high road.

Reality television’s most scrutinized father was seen out and about with Star magazine reporter Kate Major only days after he was spotted in France with the 22 year old daughter of his ex-wife’s plastic surgeon. Wait, did I just write a episode of Dynasty? I’m pretty sure I did.

I get that he needs to dip his wick since any candle that comes near Kate Gosselin is automatically extinguished by her sub zero personality but this is kind of ridiculous. He’s been spending waaaayyy too much time in Utah if he thinks he can convince a judge that he needs one ladyfriend for each of his kids.

*Update: Holy Angelina Mother of Shiloh, that’s a STRIP CLUB they are leaving.

Jessica Simpson is super bummed out and not just because her Rubenesque figure could not be tamed by a single belt so she had to skin two leopards to complete the ensemble above. Her douchey ex John Mayer steamy text messages forced boy toy Tony Romo to call for a penalty kick to her sensitive emotions and lady parts:

They (Simpson and Romo) were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it, Tony found messages from John and went ballistic. He dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it,” the source added.

It’s really quite shocking, if you stop and think about it. I mean, who would have thought Jessica Simpson knew how to read? Hooked on Phonics must have worked for her.

So That’s How They Are
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