Michael Jackson’s baby mama Debbie Rowe is fighting the Jackson clan for custody of the children she bore with him during their marriage:

“I want my children,” Rowe said in an interview Thursday morning with radio station KNBC in Los Angeles. Rowe also said she was willing to undergo DNA testing to prove she is indeed the children’s biological mother.
She also said she will seek a restraining order to keep Joe Jackson away from the children.

Good luck with all that, Debs. Keeping Joe Jackson from potential money making children is like trying to keep away ants at a picnic. Or keeping Kirstie Alley from devouring that entire picnic, checkered tablecloth included.

All of this defies Jackson’s wishes as his will specified that the children should go to his mother Katherine who has been caring for the children since his death. If Miss Jackson (ooh I am fo’ real) should no longer able to care for the kids, custody will go to Diana Ross.

So basically, these kids are looking at a life with either a bit of trailer trash who could close her eyes and think about the $ signs whilst pretending she was having sex with someone who didn’t need the Crayola people to fix his face everyday or a hopeless enabler who stood by while her husband beat his kids for missing a note. Give those kids to Diana Ross, already!

They won’t need those face masks anymore, they can just hide under her skirt.

Can Gary Coleman ever catch a break? His parents stole all his money, he’s stuck with a catch phrase that will probably be printed on his tombstone and now his wife Shannon Price has been arrested for domestic violence:

Shannon Price, 23, was booked into the Utah County jail about 8:30 p.m. Wednesday and released about two hours later after posting about $1,200 bail. Police officers arrived at the couple’s Santaquin home after she locked Coleman out, according to a booking statement. Price swore at an officer as people walked by on the sidewalk. When police entered the home, they found she had “destroyed” Coleman’s bedroom, tipping over his dresser, emptying out drawers and damaging shelves. “She told him, ‘You deserve this after how you treated me,’ ” according to the documents.

Really? Honestly? She’s a FOOT TALLER than him! He needs a stepladder to even begin to defend himself! Would Arnold Drummond have taken any of this crap from a chick with so much upper gum line she makes Mr. Ed and the rest of the stables horny? I highly doubt it. The Gooch never got to him and that broad shouldn’t either.

So Farrah Fawcett arrives at the Pearly Gates, nipples a-blazing with their former pin up girl glory restored from those last cancer ravaged days. St. Peter welcomes her warmly, trying to be discreet about sneaking a peek at those nostalgic hooters asking her “Farrah, you’ve struggled so much and contributed to so many young monkey spanking sessions, we’re making you a real angel! Do you have any wishes we could grant you?”

Farrah dabs her eyes and touches up the ‘do with some Aqua Net. “I just want the children of the world to be safe!”

St. Peter and her embrace once more until they are startled by a “Hee hee Shamoan!”

Yeah. Is it too early for this kind of stuff? Never.

Well folks, there will be no more skin pigment altering, no more plastic surgery to enhance alien appearances, and depending where he goes, no more moonwalking.  Michael Jackson is dead at the age of 50.  The pop star turned freaky alien like had many hits.  Billie Jean, Thriller, Beat It, Smooth Criminal, and more, are now, no more.

I guess there’s no hope for any future tours, not that I’m personally disappointed, although I’ll probably still find myself singing along to Smooth Criminal whenever it mysteriously creeps its way onto my iPhone.

Well folks, that’s all she wrote.  Just Beat it!

Former Hills Ho Lauren Conrad continues to celebrate her departure from television by appearing on other television programs discussing her decision to end her stint as a reality starlet. Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. How can we miss you if you and your vapid little viewpoint won’t go away? She’s like that guy you dated in junior high who dumped you in front of everyone at the roller rink but continued to call you under the pretense of soliciting the answers to the geometry homework and we all know that is the universal sign of a 13 year old boys heart telling him he just made a huge mistake when he ditched you in all your Hypercolor clad glory.

Anyway, David Letterman got all weird and pervy when the subject of LC’s rumored sex tape popped up like so many indiscreet boners. At least he has the desk to cover his horny shame! Apart from sorry old men does anyone really find the prospect of a Conrad sex tape that titillating? I can just see Brody Jenner thrusting away, grunting about how awesome his toned body is while Lauren rolls her eyes and reapplies her lip gloss leaving like, Justin-Bobby to clean up the wet spot.