Oh, Gordon Ramsey, you are such a brilliant chef, mean and just so very brutal in a way only an emotionally stunted person like myself could aspire to but LISTEN TO ME when I tell you NOT TO OPEN A RESTAURANT WITH POSH SPICE.

If Vicks was drowning, you could toss her a Cheerio and save her life. Please, Gordon, find someone who has eaten a carbohydrate this century because I am not coming to your spot to pay $70 dollars for Victoria’s favorite meal. If I wanted Diet Coke and Edamame, I’d go to Nicole Richie’s house.

“I’ve never been treated this way and I’ve never seen anybody treated this way. This is just too much to stomach.”

A homeless person with no place to go in the freezing cold? A mother desperate to feed her family? Not quite. So begins the Paula Abdul Phone Bitch Session Heard ‘Round The World, brought to you courtesy of The New York Post’s Page Six. Miss Abdul can be heard ranting and raving these choice bits:

“I do a call-in every week for OK! Magazine on ‘American Idol.’ Because of my brilliant job, they want to do a cover on me. I’m being told by Howard Bragman that I’m too old and no one will ever want to do a cover.
“I’m being tested. All I’ve ever wanted in my life is to be treated fairly and be treated with kindness. And I’ve never in my entire career been treated this way. The people who are supposed to take care of these things do not. I have to clean up after them everywhere they go. And I’m tired of it. Howard Bragman on Monday - he did some disgusting behavior. I had to go to Jimmy Kimmel,” Abdul is heard sobbing, “with no publicist there. [Abdul appeared on Kimmel’s show on May 15.] I go on with no publicist there and I pay this man . . .”I don’t understand how this man can call me a whining bitch. I’ve never in my life been called a whining bitch and a loser.”

Well, she did lie about her nose getting broken, she said she tripped on her dog then later admitted she actually chucked a glass at the wall and it smashed into her face. Plus, this really wasn’t that bad, compared to her other super Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs bits she’s been known to do. Still, she released this to TMZ expressing her outrage:

“I am deeply hurt and extremely disappointed that someone has taken a private telephone conversation that I had with my representatives and released it to the media. This is not only illegal but also highly unethical. While I don’t feel a need to justify or explain my conversation, even as a public figure I do feel my privacy has been violated and find this action to be unacceptable.”

For reals! Why bother taping her calls when you know she’s just gonna show up on the red carpet wrapped in a warm cloak of Vicodin and Gin with some unreal gibberish blathering from that Botoxed face with the long bangs covering a forehead incapable of movement?

You can keep your Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, your Suri Cruise and even your Kingston Rossdale because the only celebrity baby in the whole entire world that melts my heart like no other is the irrepressible Harvey, son of UK reality stars Katie Price/Jordan and Peter Andre. This is why I burst into tears upon hearing the news of another devastating accident for the poor lad. Harvey is partially blind as well as autistic and he walked into a mirror that cut him and his nanny Becky quite badly. Harvey was rushed to a hospital where nearly 9 months preggy Katie and recovering from menengitis Peter sat for hours waiting for word about their son. Harvey was also burned earlier this year when he wandered into the bathroom and turned on the hot water tap. Poor love and his family! Let’s send out best wishes and prayers to the Andre-Price family as they all recover from various ailments. In the meantime, for an example of Why I Love Harvey, click HERE

Some dorkster called Andrew Hodgson is going around telling the world about how he banged of all people-get the barf bag ready-Rachael Ray, pictured above with hubs John Cusimano. Even worse, it sounds like Man Hands McGee likes it a leetle rough and rowdy:

She one begged me to pour hot candle wax over her. I was afraid it might hurt, but Rachael said it put her in ecstasy.

I could see that, totally. This is a woman who gets moist talking about her Tuna Oreo Hot Dog Butter Surprise, one can only imagine what throes of passion other potentially dangerous activities entice La Ray. Hubby John’s just as guilty of perversion, he allegedly enjoys having girls spit on him. I’m assuming he feeds them 30 Minute Meal Leftovers to get them into shape for that endeavor.

"I can’t believe people are still talking about the swan dress," said the Icelandic singer, who recently released her latest LP, Volta.

"It was a joke. I find Hollywood dress sense very alienating. Obviously, I was sticking my tongue out at it. I had six eggs with me and I distributed them around the red carpet. And all the lifeguards (bodyguards) for the stars were like, ‘Sorry, ma’am, you dropped this.’ It was hilarious.

"The weirdest thing is everybody thought I was trying to fit in but that I somehow got it wrong. Does it look like I was trying to fit in?"

Hopefully Bjork goes all out for this year’s Grammy’s. I’d like to see her dress up in the outfit she’s wearing on the Volta cover.