Archive for October, 2007

Jesus Don’t Want Britney For A Sunbeam


Miss Britney has royally offended Catholics with the interior shots of her new album Blackout showing her sitting on the lap of a priest in a confessional booth.

“This is all the puzzle pieces coming together. This girl is crashing,” said Bill Donohue, president of the New York-based Catholic League. “She’s not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she’s not responsible enough. Now we see she can’t even entertain.”

They really should be thanking Britney because nothing will scare you from wanting to have sex than the infection festooned Chunkasaurus Rex that is La Spears plopping onto your special area. It goes numb five minutes from antibiotics and loss of circulation. Not all the men of God are looking to crucify the pop tart whose latest musical efforts to keep Sean and Jayden’s bottles filled with milkshakes drops today:

“Take a few minutes and write a note to Britney Spears,” pastor John Weece said in a sermon and in a blog on the church Web site. “No preaching. No criticizing. Just love. As a church, let’s love Britney the way Jesus loves her.” Weece said the idea came as he watched repeated reports of Spears’ reported problems with drugs and alcohol and the loss of custody of her children. “If she were your next-door neighbor in the same situation without the money and success, wouldn’t you care about her problems? Wouldn’t you pray for her and offer her support and encouragement?” he asked members of the church.

Um, no. If she was my neighbor I’d be storming across the trailer complex with a tire iron because I told her if her kids took a dump next to my garden gnomes one more time it was on. That and the explosions from the meth lab are making it really hard for me to get my beauty rest. I know I said I would try to get her an interview with Jasper Melons down at Jugstore Cowboys, but she ruined that for herself by acting crazy.

Nicole Kidman Wears A Lace Hankie


Nicole Kidman is a lovely woman and nothing short of a saint for tolerating the Scientology and flat shoed world she inhabited while married to Tom Cruise but I do think she’s taken it a bit too far this time. That’s not a dress; it’s something a Victorian Widow uses to dab her eyes at the heartbreaking funeral after which the lawyers tell her she has to go out and find some job to support herself with the only options being like, pasting labels onto jars of pickles or prostitution. Look, she’s not even wearing panties!


That’s a nice set of snowglobes, but I’d much rather imagine the ski trip rather than being whisked away to Nicole’s Ass-pen holiday on the red carpet.

Tom Cruise Is Forever Inappropriate

Oy Gevalt, Tom Cruise!


This one really hits below the belt because my elderly Jewish neighbor cornered me earlier screaming about how Hollywood Fuhrer Tom Cruise was at a Paris premiere promoting a movie where he plays a Nazi officer and he just happens to be making a gesture that could very well pass for a Seig Heil, particularly if you can’t see that great without your sequined reading glasses. Which Mrs. Steinel cannot.

Tom, I tried to explain to her that you were probably just waving to your fans and not giving a Big Ups to a regime that murdered over 6 million of her peeps, but she wasn’t really having it and I don’t blame her. Get rid of the sweaty Hitler bangs, too, T. You look like a Brownshirt Youth caught up in the Emo Revolution.

Brit’s Mom’s Book Will Be Straight From The Heart


If you consider your heart to hover somewhere around the anal region, then yes. Yes, this will be a book filled with crapshite. I mean love. Because that’s what the Spears family radiates. Love in the form of verbal diarrhea. Just check the latest developments in Momma Spears’ literary happenings:

After being the first to break the news earlier this week that Britney Spears mom Lynne Spears had inked a deal to talk about her family in an upcoming autobiography, OK! can now confirm that Lynne’s collaborator on the project, tentatively titled Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, isn’t some big-shot Big Apple ghost-writer, but 39-year-old mother-of-three Lorilee Craker of Grand Rapids, Michigan. Digging a little further into what readers should expect from the 200-page book, which is still being written, but is currently set for release on Mother’s Day 2008 (May 11) through Thomas Nelson, a Nashville-based Christian publisher, OK! has learned that while Craker has already met with Lynne and Brit’s 16-year-old kid sister Jamie Lynn, the beleaguered pop star has so far shunned the project. “Brit hasn’t been involved at all,” a source close to the book reveals to OK!. “It’s possible that Lorilee may end up speaking with Britney in the future but it’s not certain.”

I love it that the woman picked to ghostwrite this bitch is actually named Craker. It couldn’t get any better if her name was Lurleen Honkie-Trash.

As for whether or not the roller-coaster relationship between mom and daughter has anything to do with Britney’s lack of involvement, the source would only say, “It’s complicated… I think they are okay.”Regarding the content of the book itself, contrary to reports, Pop Culture Mom is not intended to be an advice book. “It’s not a parenting book,” says the source, who also reveals that Lorilee will receive a co-author credit for the book. “It’s not a tell-all. It’s a mother’s memoir. It’s a very loving book.”

How considerate of Ms. Craker to go out on a limb to stress the love in this situation because we all know love is going to be the thing that turns Britney from a coked out whore of an abusive parent to the caring mother we all know she is deep down inside that chicken grease spattered soul. Forget rehab! Love that can be purcheased at for $19.95 is the answer. That or horse traquilizers. Once your little girl becomes a gyrating pop tart who can’t tell if the powder trail on her dress is from the doughnuts or the coke, they are pretty much one and the same.

Remake of the Addams Family: The Lohan Family

This in from IMDB:

Lindsay Lohan Adams Family
Lindsay Lohan Family

Lindsay Lohan’s family have signed up to star in their own reality TV show. Dina Lohan will be at the center of the action as well as serving as executive producer. The show will also follow the Lohan matriarch as she attempts to manage other performers’ careers. She tells People, “It’s about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids’ dreams. It won’t just be following my family around like other shows. It’ll show me cultivating careers, going to soccer practice. Ali going to school and in the studio. It’ll encompass everything.”

I can see it right now…the whole creepy family hanging out at rehab with the dad grinning the in back like Lurch. And matriarch Dina’s ‘managing other performers’ careers’??? That almost made my head explode because Dina’s never had a career and Lindsay’s career is slowly circling the drain. It would be like Tito Jackson talking about managing other pop stars’ careers!

Well, I guess if the show isn’t doing well they could just introduce a boatload of drugs into the house and turn the show into a sort of drug overdose Survivor.

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