Sabotage Of Tom Cruise’s New Movie? Nein!

Tom Cruise’s handlers want you to know that there is nothing going wrong with his movie Valkyrie. The people who want you to think that the film processing was sabotaged obviously are not clear and really need to be audited then set into a steam room after drinking lots of oil. That’s how Scientology fixes people. It’s a genius religion.

The producers of Tom Cruise’s new World War II movie on Friday denied reports that film shot on location at a historically sensitive site in Berlin had been sabotaged. “I categorically deny this. It is a technical problem, as one often sees in the film world,” Carolin Bitzer from Limelight, the public relations company for the filming of “Valkyrie,” told AFP. She confirmed that scenes shot at the Bendlerblock in Berlin will have to be done again because the film was partly damaged during the development process. “We will have to shoot part of the scenes again,” she said.”

The movie tells the story of Count von Stauffenburg, pictured above as a young go-getter for the Third Reich who aged into Statler from the Muppets:

Seriously, if they are so worried about this film and reshooting, why not just re-cast a Muppet to play Tom’s role? They are about the same height and they are equally talented at giving lip service when someone’s hand is up their arse.