Archive for October, 2007

Britney Goes A Courtin’

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And she did cry, uh huh! Miss Spears was a miserable mess as she left a custody hearing bawling ’bout her babies. I think the giant cross she has on there really adds an authentic touch of sincerity to that ensemble. Honey Darling is so far gone that she’s under the impression that Jesus is on Team Britney right next to that guy who sells crack behind FatBurger. When an Extra reporter asked her how things were going during a break, she screamed “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!” What judge wouldn’t give the children back to such a bastion of good behaviour? On the flipside, Kevin looked smiley and relaxed, that evil little bastard. You know he’s just sitting there, plotting what to dress the kids up for Halloween and thinking about what Disney movies he’s gonna rent this weekend. Is there no end to the diabolical madness that is Kevin? Anyway, check out some more shots of Britney coming into court with her super huge new lips that make her look like some drug addled duck.

Read the rest of Britney Goes A Courtin’

Anderson Cooper’s Got Plumpynuts

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CNN’s resident Sex Kitten Anderson Cooper recently turned his attention to Plumpynut, a vitamin enriched confection developed by Doctors Without Borders to combat malnutrition in countries where most mothers will witness the death of at least one of their children due to a lack of food and clean water. It’s cheap, lasts indefinately without refridgeration and it’s helping save these kids from looking like a supermodel during Fashion Week. That name, though! Plumpynut? It sounds like something you get when you get kicked in the ‘nads really hard like “Earlene, it’s me, Travis. Naw, I won’t be able to go line dancing later, Sharla came by the trailer all hepped up on something about child support and stuck her foot a place it took me a six pack of Miller High Life to get her to touch and now I’ve got the Plumpynuts something godawful. You best just go without me.”

Brit’s Mom To Pen Tell All Novel

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Call the Pulitzer Prize people and tell them to just go ahead and burn all the submissions into ashes right now because Lynne Spears is going to publish something that will make War and Peace look like The Berenstein Bears:

Set for a spring 2008 release, mama Spears’ memoir will give readers and fans a revealing look into her “personal story” of grooming Britney, 25, and Jamie Lynn, 16, into big-time celebs “while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community.”

This is going to be so good! I have always wanted to know just how to exploit my child so she turns into a doughy bewigged mess and now I’ll have the handbook that will get me on the right track! Is Dina Lohan writing the introduction or offering any helpful tips like how to ice down your teenage daughter’s nipples before the audition? Too bad JonBenet Ramsey’s mom has kicked the bucket because I’m sure she had the greatest advice to give on how to turn your child into a slut. I mean a star.

David Copperfield Tries To Make His Witness Go Poof!

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David Copperfield allegedly tried to bribe the woman who is accusing him of rape by offering her the $2 million dollars that the FBI seized last week at his Hocus Pocus Museum:

Copperfield invited the 21-year-old beauty to a “lavish party” at his remote compound in the Bahamas. But when she got there, on July 27, she discovered “there was no party - and no other guests,” according The Enquirer source.”She got nervous and wanted to go home right away, but David convinced her to stay, saying she could leave the next day if she really wanted to,” the friend claims. That night, Copperfield forced himself on the woman, holding her arms “down on the bed, leaving her with terrible bruises,” the friend charges. “She told me she fought back,” the friend says. “But she said that just seemed to turn him on more.” “In order to preserve physical evidence, she says she didn’t shower. The next day, she went back home to Seattle, where her mother met her at the airport.” “They drove straight to the Harborview Medical Center, where medical personnel performed a ‘rape kit’ on her.”

I wonder if his people were all sitting around trying to decide how they were going to keep this hush hush when Copperfield just swoops in and announces “For my next trick, I will be making this little strumpet DISAPPEAR!” then he left in a cloud of dry ice smoke and the rest of the team was just open mouthed thinking he was going to go off this chick when he really was just going to use some mirrors and a fog machine but they went ahead and got together the money to bribe her because none of them wanted blood on their hands.

First Peek At Paris’ New Flick

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Sweet Merciful Crap! Paris Hilton’s latest endeavor cleverly titled Repo! The Genetic Opera (note the unnecessary exclaimation point that probably won some coked out producer a bonus worth more than my car) movie stills have been making the rounds. I’ll spare you the trailer because she sings and I don’t encourage ear bleeding unless until after lunch.

Granted, it’s not as if Coppola is calling her up and begging her to pack up her entourage of rabid couture clad animals for a screen test. Francis Ford knows no lighting director is going to be able to work around that huge hook she calls a nose without casting a shadow from here to eternity. You can forget about closeups when you sign up La Hilton unless you want the audience to spend all their time ogling that cracktacular wonky eye that’s a result of a botched eye lift. Now I’m not saying she should leave show business alone entirely.

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I just think she should stick with porn and animation.

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