Archive for November, 2007

Evel Knievel 1938-2007

I think we should have seen it coming. I mean, this was the last ad he did:


A Haiku For Katie Holmes’ New Haircut


This Is Not What The
Bangles Meant When They Said Walk
Like An Egyptian

Lindsay Lohan Is A Free Woman


“Free” as in “Nobody is going to tell me who to love or that I can’t wear my sweet Crystal Gayle shirt all over town!” Not “free” in the sense that she’s tackled her demons and laid them to rest. This is Blohan we’re dishing about, not Oprah. Anyhoo, she’s ditched Riley Giles, the scrub she met in rehab and proceeded to have some ill na na action in between group therapy and sneaking out to buy beer has been tossed to the curb like the dignity of any member of the Pussycat Dolls because he couldn’t keep his lower lip from drooping to the floor:

“It was fine when they were in Utah, just the two of them. But then they returned to L.A. and Lindsay was shooting a movie, photographers followed them everyone, she had meetings with this agent, that publicist, this director. His ego couldn’t take it.” “They thought he was unsophisticated and told her she should have left him in Utah with his snowboard. He never paid. Yeah, we know Lindsay is the rich and famous one, but come on. Be the man once in a while!”

You know, I almost feel a bit sorry for this guy. Unless he does something spectacular, like save an endangered panda from a burning building or inventing some sort of new magic illusions that makes Criss Angel look like Gob from Arrested Development, this is where the Riley Giles Fame Train pulls into the station and makes its final pathetic stop. Now he will forever be known as the guy who banged a not even in her prime redhead stage but as a wasted peroxide vixen Lindsay Lohan in a toilet stall in Utah.

Britney’s Baby And Body Rumours


So, is she pregnant or not? Let’s turn to the Magic 8 Ball of this millenium, the text message. Brit shot one off to Ryan Seacrest telling his Royal Honkiness that no, she’s not knocked up by producer/friends with deep fried benefits JR Rotem:

It’s B.S., I don’t know who made it up. JR doesn’t even know what’s up. It’s fake, completely fake.”

You got that? And it must be true, it was in a text message! How hard could it be to find out if she’s pregnant or not? Just stick an EPT test in a potted plant at Winston’s or in the cushions of her couch and wait for her to pass out after one too many Chocotinis and bingo! We have baby confirmation.

I could have titled this “Brit’s Life” and everybody would automatically know that it’s going to be about her kids or her increasingly Play-Doh like figure. All those tacos and Frapps might be doing a number on her body but for the grace of the tabloids we’d never know it since B has hired an army of look alikes to replace her in her upcoming video. The angry dancers let loose the secret as retaliation when Britney was 12 hours late to the shoot:

In the video, Spears and four look-alikes — dressed in black newsboy caps, sunglasses, black trench coats and short blond wigs — to try trick the paparazzi.Spears used a “body double to shoot all the scenes that don’t require her face,” an on-set source tells Us.

Crappydoodles! I was really looking forward to seeing Britney in the flesh when that new video hits the scene. I overslept and missed the Thanksgiving Parade and I need to get my Butterball Turkey Balloon fix or it just doesn’t feel like the holidays.

Suri Cruise Gets Some Awesome Shoes


Awesome as in “Wow, those cost more than the surgery I so depserately need!” While the rest of us are out there with a can of red spray paint and some BOGOs from Payless in a desperate attempt to look chic, budding fashionista Suri Cruise will be getting her very first pair of Christian Louboutins under the Christmas Tree(Scientology Bush? Or is that Katie’s new nickname?)

An unnamed source tells OK! that Suri’s parents — Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — had a mold made of little Suri’s foot, which will then be used to have hand-crafted shoes made to her “exact specifications.” The cost of the mold is $2,500, and depending on their selection, Tom and Katie can be expected to shell out anywhere from $500 to $5,000 additional for the shoes themselves. 19-month-old Suri, a source told the magazine, is Christian Louboutin’s “youngest client.”

Aww, lil’ Louboutins for Suri, how do you like that? If you are anything like me, it makes you so blind with rage you want to rain blows down upon your parents for never giving you designer shoes.

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