Jessica Alba Soon To Be Single Mother

Jessica Alba is rich and famous and yet she still has the real world problems that those of us who haunt the 10 items or less line with little but pints of ice cream and bottles of vodka. Miss Alba is now knocked up by commitment phobe boyfriend Cash Warren. You remember him, he’s the one she dumped because she wanted to get married and he wanted to get lapdances from girls named Destiny. That’s an assumption. She could be named Desi’rae for all I know.

You cannot get pregnant by the guy who didn’t want to get married, that is NOT how you rock this bizznatch. In a year you’re calling him with a baby in your hip covered in Gerber Strained Pears and he’s telling you how you KNEW he wasn’t ready to be a father and besides, it’s football night and he doesn’t have time to stop by and see little Cash so you’re going to have to head out to Gymboree in your own, Princess. You wanted to be a mom!

On a side note, I am impressed she dodged the “JESSICA ALBA’S HOLY MOLEY, THERE MIGHT BE A BABY IN THAT THERE LUMP!” headlines. That’s classy and keeps me from gagging while waiting to pay for my Pringles.