I know that Paris is trying to look uber sexy in these latest photos of her appearing in 944 magazine but I am just not getting that vibe. Is it the sunglasses she got at Chuck E. Cheese’s after winning 1000 tickets at Skee-Ball? Or that she went tanning by taking a dip in the Cheeto Factory Vats? Looking at these is making me want to get acquainted with a roll of Charmain and a copy of Teen People. Then there’s shots like these:

Skin tone normal, nice cleavage. Is this the same person? Take away the Boy George makeup and I might be able to admit a slight tingle of arousal. More confusing shots of La Hilton trying to cling to fame after the jump.

Read the rest of Paris Hilton: Money Can’t Buy Bathroom Visits

Britney’s former manager Sam Lutfi is under investigation for statements he made concerning the fact that he drugged Britney to make her more compliant. Whatever happened to good old fashioned straight jackets? Kids today.

Police Capt. Kyle Jackon said in a statement Wednesday that the allegations “are being considered” by the Robbery-Homicide unit to determine if laws have been violated. Jackson says no suspect has been identified.

I like how the Spears family is looking for a scapegoat to take the blame for royally screwing up their eldest daughter when they were the ones rubbing ice on her nipples for erotic photo shoots when she should have been roller skating and watching The Cosby Show. I can’t wait until they bring the heat to Starbucks for allowing her to guzzle her weight in Frappuccinos.

In court papers filed in Los Angeles on Friday, Anderson asked the court not to award spousal support and to keep her and Salomon’s income and property separate. On Monday, Anderson filed a request to have a retired judge handle the annulment proceedings — a common practice in celebrity split-ups as it keeps matters private and out of the court.

God knows I love me some Pamalama Ding Dong because I weep when I think about how cold and lonely my teen years would have been without her big ass hooters keeping me warm at night but it is time she hung up her serial monogamy habits and just settled down. Why not invest in a quality vibrator? AA batteries are a lot cheaper than alimony.

Little Miss Teen Pregnancy Jamie-Lynn Spears has gone and gotten her G.E.D.! This is where I would say she’s making the Spears family proud, but that’s not exactly an accomplishment, is it? I mean, you take a dump in the outhouse wearing shoes and not respond to the voices that tell you to rip your clothes off at the Taco Hut that makes you the star of that clan.

“She’s already got her diploma,” according to the friend. “She wants to take her ACT. She’s not wasting any time. People don’t know her. When she gets something in her head, she’ll make it happen. Everybody is so supportive of her.”

Like a G.E.D. is going to get her anywhere in life! That piece of paper should come with fries and a paper hat.

I don’t know what the
big deal is that could be a
bad case of gas there