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2008 March » Hollywood Snark
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Archive for March, 2008


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a_jovi_080327300w.jpg

80’s rocker Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi was arrested earlier this week under suspicion of a DUI(I love how that phrase goes, like you didn’t get busted with a case of Zima riding shotgun), news made even more cringe worthy with the fact that his 10 year old daughter Ava was riding with him:

A woman and two girls were passengers in the car, said Laguna Beach police Sgt. Jason Kravetz, who declined to release their names. But Celebrity Web site TMZ.com reports that a police source said Sambora’s 10-year-old daughter with ex-wife Heather Locklear, Ava, was in the car with him. The 48-year-old Bon Jovi guitarist was given field sobriety tests and arrested without incident. He was booked at the Laguna Beach jail and released at 4 a.m., Kravetz said Wednesday.

There are so very many factors that are disturbing about this incident starting with the idea of a ten year old girl and one of her friends getting picked up by her dad who reeks suspiciously of Peach Schnapps which happens to also be the stage name of the stripper just hanging out in the backseat. Also upsetting is the idea that Richie Sambora is old enough to be my dad! Maybe it’s time to take down that “Wanted: Dead Or Alive” Tour poster covereing in Bonne Belle Lip Smacker kisses from my bedroom walls.

Heather Mills Still Looking For More


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heathermillsxv1.jpg

Naughty girls who may or may not be transsexuals hiding a huge Adam’s apple under feathered hair and bad lighting deserve spankings, especially ones who spend their time trying to gouge their husbands for more money:

“Heather’s thinking is that Bea should not be seen to have a different lifestyle when she is with Heather compared to Paul - and she is going about proving that is not possible. “Heather is hoping Paul will discretely make a payment to her annually rather than want to go back to court and rake all this up again.”

This would not be such horrific news if she didn’t just win 40 millon and some change in their divorce settlement! Heather, Heather! Is your romantic antique hobby coming back to bite you in the ass? Nobody said collecting rich old geezers was the best of ideas. As for the poor miner prospector who lost his leg in an accident? Give Sir Paul a ring, now that he’s single again, he might be on the look out for another one legged gold digger. I know, this poor woman is going through a miserable divorce and coping with being a single mum and all I can do is sit here and make jokes. It’s absolutely prosthetic.

Easter Hills Haikus


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032308_heidi_spence_pcn.jpg

Heidi Makes Playboy
Girls Look Like Peter Rabbit
Ho Heels For Easter

Winona Steals


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Remember when Winona Ryder was like, the Queen of the 90’s? I gave myself many a blister over that scene in Reality Bites where she’s all laid out weeping on the phone with the call in psychic. What can I say? Chicks who delude themselves make me horny. Anyway, I don’t know what happened to her lately! She’s still acting all klepto, this time for makeup:

Security stopped the shopper, who turned out to be none other than Winona Ryder! She showed the guard her receipt and he proceeded to check her bag. There were a couple of makeup items that were not paid for. Wide-eyed Winona said “I don’t know how that happened” and she quickly paid for the makeup before braving the exit once again.

Would Roxy Carmichael’s fake daughter do such a thing? Would that nerdy goth type that soothed Lucas’ burns after the jocks slathered his sac with Icy Hot? I cannot concive of the girl who took on the Heathers and staged her suicide in solidarity with Martha Dumptruck stealing cosmetics. Ugh. You know you are old when your teen idols are shoplifting with no recollection of the act.

Heath Ledger’s Will Is Looking Like A Won’t


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The agony that is actor Heath Ledger’s horrific demise continues with a battle over his will between his family members. The original document drawn up in 2003 left nothing to his daughter Matilda and Ledger family members want Heath’s father Kim removed from the executor position:

Ledger’s uncle Mike insists the family has nothing to gain by removing Kim: “Our only vested interest is to assure that Matilda is well looked after.” Mike added that Kim’s recent statement that Matilda “will be taken care of” was not enough assurance. “When you are talking about large sums of money like this,” he says, “it should be an independent executor, but Kim hasn’t chosen that way.”

Is this seriously a case of Grandpa trying to shaft his dead son’s only child? Isn’t it bad enough that she’s gonna Google her dad’s name someday and get this laundry list of bizarre circumstances involving a massage therapist finding his body and not calling 911 but the weird Hobbit like creature that is Mary-Kate Olsen. She’s got to process all that and be forced to shop at Value Village? Come on.


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