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2008 April » Hollywood Snark
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Archive for April, 2008

Billy Bob Thornton’s Son In Underage Sex Scandal


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williethorntonart456-1.jpg

Billy Bob Thornton’s 14 year old son Willie has been the victim of a 22 year old sexual predator whose cover was blown(ha!)by an ex-boyfriend who informed police she was sleeping with a minor. No high fives, please. Just because he’s a dude doesn’t make it all Penthouse Letters worthy. Just looking at the picture above is giving me a clue as to how things are working around the Thornton household. Daddy with his tongue rammed down the throat of a woman half his age, poor Willie in a buttoned up shirt like some polygamist cult member trying hard to ignore Billy Bob’s greying chest hair spilling all over the place. That boy doesn’t have issues, he’s got a freaking magazine stand.


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cyrus230.jpg

Little Miley Cyrus has cause a big fuss with some semi-nude shots taken by master photographer Annie Leibovitz:

I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed,” she said in the statement. “I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

Um, I can kind of see what everyone from Bill O’Reilly to my horny next door neighbor is in an uproar over but personally? Underaged Tubercular Malnourished Extra from the set of Les Miserables reworked for the High School Musical crowd does very little to entice my erotic sensibilities.

Mariah Carey’s Cougar Love


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mariah-carey-canon-wedding.jpg

I am so in love with Mariah Carey’s outfit in that picture. She looks like a hooker at one of those brothels where they all dress in theme costume and her John just stumbled into the Naughty Preppy Girl Room. Mariah andher surgically enhanced goodness and shamefully horrid movies never fail to put a smile on my face. When my dented Toyota Camry and 2 dollar an hour waitressing job has me down in the dumps I just pop Glitter in and am reminded that things could indeed be so much worse than they are. The reviews for her new flick Tennessee aren’t in yet, but something tells me that the woebegone tale of an aspiring singer called Krystal(like the little gassy burgers!)on the run from an abusive hubby isn’t going to win any Oscar nods. At least she has Nick Cannon to console her, the 27 year old rapper has been bumping uglies with the 38 year old songbird for some time now, Carey even sports a massive rock on her engagement finger. It’s all very hush hush but expect to see a tacky spread of a wedding in the future on the cover of Ebony with her dog dressed up in like in a little tuxedo.

Madonna’s Lourdes Goes For A Mustache Ride


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Come on. Her mother is one of the most image obsessed people alive yet little Lola’s got a unibrow that sends those lame cavemen from the car insurance commercials running back to their lairs to get a piece of the sun that fell from the earth and burn the monster to death. I know some of you are going to be all “She’s a child, leave her alone!” I’ll leave her alone when she leaves me some of her trust fund. You can’t honestly tell me that child lives in the same house with Madonna and has no idea how to wield a pair of tweezers? I’m sure there’s some hot wax laying around the house from a sexual encounter with a guy dressed in a Caligula costume, let’s get that going so she can blossom into the flower she is.

Ashlee Simpson’s Dad Wants The Baby Bling


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Did Ashlee Simpson really think she was going to get pregnant and engaged without her father putting his creepy Oedipal/Electra Complex Vibe all over the ultrasounds? Poor naive little girl.

A magazine source said, “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover. The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it,” our source said.

Joe should really not be concerned with playing Pimp My Grandbaby so much as he should be scouting around for a good Pediatric Plastic Surgeon. I mean, does anyone remember what Ashlee looked like before the big makeover? What if it comes out with that schnozz and Pete’s jaw? An ugly child in the Simpson family is about as welcome as a cloud of warm yellow coming toward you in a swimming pool.


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