Former Hills Ho Lauren Conrad continues to celebrate her departure from television by appearing on other television programs discussing her decision to end her stint as a reality starlet. Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. How can we miss you if you and your vapid little viewpoint won’t go away? She’s like that guy you dated in junior high who dumped you in front of everyone at the roller rink but continued to call you under the pretense of soliciting the answers to the geometry homework and we all know that is the universal sign of a 13 year old boys heart telling him he just made a huge mistake when he ditched you in all your Hypercolor clad glory.

Anyway, David Letterman got all weird and pervy when the subject of LC’s rumored sex tape popped up like so many indiscreet boners. At least he has the desk to cover his horny shame! Apart from sorry old men does anyone really find the prospect of a Conrad sex tape that titillating? I can just see Brody Jenner thrusting away, grunting about how awesome his toned body is while Lauren rolls her eyes and reapplies her lip gloss leaving like, Justin-Bobby to clean up the wet spot.

Lindsay Lohan went running back to heterosexuality by issuing a statement over the breakup between herself and DJ Samantha Ronson:

“We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself,”

Good for her! And by focus I’m sure she means hooking up with random guys behind In-n-Out Burger for a line of coke and the promise of a tray of discounted Animal Style Fries. Hey, we all process grief differently.