Jon Gosselin Out On The Prowl

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Reality television’s most scrutinized father was seen out and about with Star magazine reporter Kate Major only days after he was spotted in France with the 22 year old daughter of his ex-wife’s plastic surgeon. Wait, did I just write a episode of Dynasty? I’m pretty sure I did.

I get that he needs to dip his wick since any candle that comes near Kate Gosselin is automatically extinguished by her sub zero personality but this is kind of ridiculous. He’s been spending waaaayyy too much time in Utah if he thinks he can convince a judge that he needs one ladyfriend for each of his kids.

*Update: Holy Angelina Mother of Shiloh, that’s a STRIP CLUB they are leaving.

Jessica Simpson And The Trouble With Texting

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Jessica Simpson is super bummed out and not just because her Rubenesque figure could not be tamed by a single belt so she had to skin two leopards to complete the ensemble above. Her douchey ex John Mayer steamy text messages forced boy toy Tony Romo to call for a penalty kick to her sensitive emotions and lady parts:

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They (Simpson and Romo) were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it, Tony found messages from John and went ballistic. He dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it,” the source added.

It’s really quite shocking, if you stop and think about it. I mean, who would have thought Jessica Simpson knew how to read? Hooked on Phonics must have worked for her.

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So That’s How They Are
Warning The Public About
Toxic Waste Hazards

Jon Gosselin’s Jailbird Sweetie Pie

I know! I thought her eyebrows looked exactly like little golf clubs too!

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Good gravy do I feel bad for those Gosselin kiddos. Their new stepmommy dearest to be isn’t so much of the play with toy trains type. Oh, wait. Does running a train on the football team count? Don’t they make a Bratz doll that features the Varsity Squad Gang Bang? Mady and Cara would love that.

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When push came to shove….she spent all week hosting several football players in her room including then qb Blake Powers. The room was definitely not the only thing she provided (I heard about definite tag team action)… all on daddy’s credit card of course. The girl started out sweet but got consumed with the drugs, those kids better watch out before there daddy gets addicted to nose candy.

Oooh, I can see it now! The twins and ‘tups all geared out in their new Ed Hardy gear rolling dollar bills up so Jon can snort his way thin, Kate finding the residue in the house and shrieking at the children not to touch daddy’s special “organic pixie dust.”

Mischa Barton Checks Into Psych Ward

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When I saw this I was sure it was because in an effort to drum up some attention she pulled a Franz Kafka and started morphing into some sort of giant grey winged insect. This apparently is not the case.

On Wednesday, Barton called police at 3 p.m. with a health problem, LAPD Officer April Harding confirmed to PEOPLE. “We assisted her with a medical issue and removed her from her home,” says Harding. She adds that no paramedics were involved and no arrests were made, but confidentiality laws prevent her from revealing details about Barton’s condition. The star’s rep, Craig Schneider, tells PEOPLE that police were only needed to protect the former O.C. star from the media as she was transported to her doctor.

If by “media” they mean “the one chick with headgear and an unhealthy addiction to online role playing games who still carries a torch for Marissa Cooper and the downfall of The O.C.” then by all means, roll out the tanks because who knows what kind of damage she could do. Get Well Soon, Mischa!

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