I know! I thought her eyebrows looked exactly like little golf clubs too!

Good gravy do I feel bad for those Gosselin kiddos. Their new stepmommy dearest to be isn’t so much of the play with toy trains type. Oh, wait. Does running a train on the football team count? Don’t they make a Bratz doll that features the Varsity Squad Gang Bang? Mady and Cara would love that.

When push came to shove….she spent all week hosting several football players in her room including then qb Blake Powers. The room was definitely not the only thing she provided (I heard about definite tag team action)… all on daddy’s credit card of course. The girl started out sweet but got consumed with the drugs, those kids better watch out before there daddy gets addicted to nose candy.

Oooh, I can see it now! The twins and ‘tups all geared out in their new Ed Hardy gear rolling dollar bills up so Jon can snort his way thin, Kate finding the residue in the house and shrieking at the children not to touch daddy’s special “organic pixie dust.”

When I saw this I was sure it was because in an effort to drum up some attention she pulled a Franz Kafka and started morphing into some sort of giant grey winged insect. This apparently is not the case.

On Wednesday, Barton called police at 3 p.m. with a health problem, LAPD Officer April Harding confirmed to PEOPLE. “We assisted her with a medical issue and removed her from her home,” says Harding. She adds that no paramedics were involved and no arrests were made, but confidentiality laws prevent her from revealing details about Barton’s condition. The star’s rep, Craig Schneider, tells PEOPLE that police were only needed to protect the former O.C. star from the media as she was transported to her doctor.

If by “media” they mean “the one chick with headgear and an unhealthy addiction to online role playing games who still carries a torch for Marissa Cooper and the downfall of The O.C.” then by all means, roll out the tanks because who knows what kind of damage she could do. Get Well Soon, Mischa!

It only took Reality Dad of 8 Jon Gosselin all of ten minutes to stick his semi famous wang back in the dating pool. You’d think he’d be ready for some Adult Swim time but he’s back in the kiddie pool waving a Lil’ Swimmers diaper and arm floaties for his 22 year old girlfriend Hailey Glassman:

“Hailey and I have been family friends for several years and only very recently began dating,” Jon Gosselin explains. “What began as friendship has grown into something more.
“I genuinely enjoy spending time with her. It’s nice to be with someone who I can confide in and trust and who accepts me for who I am.”

This would be a lot less creepy if Ms. Glassman wasn’t the daughter of the plastic surgeon that removed Kate Gosselin’s flap of sextuplet real estate from her abdomen:

That’s one freakishly high belly button, is it not? You move that thing up a few clicks and we are talking about another peak on Mount Kate’s Bosom Range in between Reverse Mullet Mountain and the Clown Car Vagina Canyon.

Michael Jackson’s personal live in physician Dr. Conrad Murray has been busted for not having the credentials to prescribe medication to his only patient:

Federal authorities told FOXNews.com that Dr. Conrad Murray is not licensed to administer certain levels of controlled medications in the state, and that if he gave Demerol or Oxycontin to Jackson, as has been reported, it would have been illegal. To possess the drugs in California, Murray would have had to bring them with him from Nevada or Texas, which is illegal, or administer drugs that other doctors had provided locally or that Jackson had ordered online from abroad, which is also illegal. “Dr. Murray has DEA registration numbers in Nevada and Texas, but he does not have one in California,” a federal law enforcement official told FOXNews.com. “You absolutely have to have a registration number to prescribe controlled substances, and there was nothing in California.”

What was this guy doing that he didn’t have the time to go and get his medical license? Getting Bubbles the chimpanzee drunk so he’d go fight that smack talking ape from down the street they call Furious George?

That had to have taken 5, maybe 6 hours, tops! Not breaking the law and contributing to the death a tremendously talented man who lived a hideously tortured existence should have taken priority over Neverland Ferris Wheel Rides and busting out the Elephant Man’s bones and trying to play them like a xylophone.

When I Die I’ll Be
Lucky To Get The Empty
Dunkin’ Donuts Box