Did Ashlee Simpson really think she was going to get pregnant and engaged without her father putting his creepy Oedipal/Electra Complex Vibe all over the ultrasounds? Poor naive little girl.

A magazine source said, “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover. The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it,” our source said.

Joe should really not be concerned with playing Pimp My Grandbaby so much as he should be scouting around for a good Pediatric Plastic Surgeon. I mean, does anyone remember what Ashlee looked like before the big makeover? What if it comes out with that schnozz and Pete’s jaw? An ugly child in the Simpson family is about as welcome as a cloud of warm yellow coming toward you in a swimming pool.

Reality star Kim Kardashian’s Onion Booty is making a big stink in Hollywood and even her little frenemies are getting in on the Haterade action. Paris Hilton blabbed on the radio about her pal’s pillowy posterior:

“I would not want [Kim’s butt] - it’s gross!” Paris told a Las Vegas radio show on April 14. “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”

As long as we are doing food/body comparisons, can I just point out that P-Hil’s neck looks like a freaking Thanksgiving dinner: a turkey gobbler neck topped with an Adam’s Apple so huge the Mott’s people are thinking about hiring her as their spokesperson. Add the banana boat feet and you’ve got yourself a square meal.

Britney Spears’ one man entourage Adnan Ghalib was stabbed over the weekend, perhaps in an attempt to rid him of that douchey facial hair. Unfortunately, his huge ego and sense of self satisfaction were not pierced and summarily deflated like a popped boob implant on the set of the final season of Baywatch:

He received a stab wound to his arm, facial lacerations as well as a nice shiner. I’m not sure what to make of this considering that he’s received more and more death threats in recent weeks. Is it coincidence? I don’t know. But in the ever growing Adnan hating world that some blogs live in, the repeated venom spewed at him could have finally boiled over to the real world.

Somehow I’m seeing Sean Preston wearing some little gangster outfit Kevin bought him at Thugs ‘R Us sitting by Adnan’s side telling him “We told you to stay away from my momma!” Wouldn’t that be adorable? And who cares about Britney so much they are willing to commit attempted murder? Taco Bell employees? Starbucks share holders? This could be a new thing, you want someone taken out, just make sure they are brown nosing Britney and presto, you have created a target for assassination. My ideas are amazing.

Somebody get Marry Poppins on the phone and tell her to bring a sword in the handle of that magic umbrella because I think we have a new winner in the Stinky Diaper Parenting Awards. Who on earth decided it would be a good idea to let Amy Winehouse tote a baby around? It even looks like that whole sobriety thing was a joke, too. I mean, I could be mistaking that shot glass for one of those swish and spit cups of fluoride but we’ve all seen Winehouse’s messed up grill. When she smiles, I get this uncontrollable urge to kick a field goal.

We all need alcohol, you feel me? Maybe you don’t, with your awesome credit scores and realistic toupees but if you are like me, you need booze. You might as well leave Cristal to the hos in the hot tub of some Jay-Z video because the buck fifty you scraped off the topless dancing runway is going to fix the hole you punched in the trailer ceiling. Besides, the new panty dropping beverage of choice will be the wine produced by rapper Lil’ Jon:

The wine is more nature: I wanted to not just have a direct connection, but make it just a little bit more upscale than regular ‘Lil Jon.’ … This is not no ghetto Boone’s Farm; this is some real wine.”

At first I thought, uh huh, this is going to taste like cough syrup and the sweat wrung from prison jumpsuits but how pretentious is that? It could be the next Baron Rothschild! Something you could freely drink in the park without a paper bag because people would see you getting wasted and say “Now there’s a homeless person with fine taste in wine!”