Jon Gosselin Goes For The Upgrade

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It only took Reality Dad of 8 Jon Gosselin all of ten minutes to stick his semi famous wang back in the dating pool. You’d think he’d be ready for some Adult Swim time but he’s back in the kiddie pool waving a Lil’ Swimmers diaper and arm floaties for his 22 year old girlfriend Hailey Glassman:

“Hailey and I have been family friends for several years and only very recently began dating,” Jon Gosselin explains. “What began as friendship has grown into something more.
“I genuinely enjoy spending time with her. It’s nice to be with someone who I can confide in and trust and who accepts me for who I am.”

This would be a lot less creepy if Ms. Glassman wasn’t the daughter of the plastic surgeon that removed Kate Gosselin’s flap of sextuplet real estate from her abdomen:

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That’s one freakishly high belly button, is it not? You move that thing up a few clicks and we are talking about another peak on Mount Kate’s Bosom Range in between Reverse Mullet Mountain and the Clown Car Vagina Canyon.

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Michael Jackson’s personal live in physician Dr. Conrad Murray has been busted for not having the credentials to prescribe medication to his only patient:

Federal authorities told FOXNews.com that Dr. Conrad Murray is not licensed to administer certain levels of controlled medications in the state, and that if he gave Demerol or Oxycontin to Jackson, as has been reported, it would have been illegal. To possess the drugs in California, Murray would have had to bring them with him from Nevada or Texas, which is illegal, or administer drugs that other doctors had provided locally or that Jackson had ordered online from abroad, which is also illegal. “Dr. Murray has DEA registration numbers in Nevada and Texas, but he does not have one in California,” a federal law enforcement official told FOXNews.com. “You absolutely have to have a registration number to prescribe controlled substances, and there was nothing in California.”

What was this guy doing that he didn’t have the time to go and get his medical license? Getting Bubbles the chimpanzee drunk so he’d go fight that smack talking ape from down the street they call Furious George?

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That had to have taken 5, maybe 6 hours, tops! Not breaking the law and contributing to the death a tremendously talented man who lived a hideously tortured existence should have taken priority over Neverland Ferris Wheel Rides and busting out the Elephant Man’s bones and trying to play them like a xylophone.

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Unless you can put “getting huge fake breast implants and bleaching hair until it looks like a Barbie doll that’s been ravaged by the sands of time” on your resume, Brooke Hogan and Heidi Montag are pretty useless people. That’s why it’s extra important for them to engineer pointless feuds with each other in that manner unique to only our species: the dis song. A lyrical sample from La Hogan’s upcoming single “Ur Not So Hot” where she takes aim at Hills Ho Heidi Montag:

Umm. Hey Brooke, what’s up?” the Heidi-impersonator says. “This is Heidi Montag. I just want to let you know that I’m making a record and that your record … better watch its back. And, if you think that Stack$ is awesome, just wait for Spencer. Bye.”

What did Heidi do to incure such wrath? We turn to Brooke’s Twitter account for these hard hitting facts:

“WHY???? Because I can,” she wrote. “And this is just the tip of the iceberg! I’m so sick of people that use me and my family, people with NO talent calling people out who work harder than them, and just people who have a dumbass attitude to begin with.”

I can get behind Brooke’s logic. Rich girls from craptastic reality series whose consumption of silicone rivals that of Microsoft just coasting along on their 15 minutes of fame recording musical atrocities absolutely deserve this shabby treatment. Brooke is different! She’s special! You would be too if your childhood consisted of watching your father wrangle with other men in a unitard! Take that, Heidi!

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Michael Jackson’s baby mama Debbie Rowe is fighting the Jackson clan for custody of the children she bore with him during their marriage:

“I want my children,” Rowe said in an interview Thursday morning with radio station KNBC in Los Angeles. Rowe also said she was willing to undergo DNA testing to prove she is indeed the children’s biological mother.
She also said she will seek a restraining order to keep Joe Jackson away from the children.

Good luck with all that, Debs. Keeping Joe Jackson from potential money making children is like trying to keep away ants at a picnic. Or keeping Kirstie Alley from devouring that entire picnic, checkered tablecloth included.

All of this defies Jackson’s wishes as his will specified that the children should go to his mother Katherine who has been caring for the children since his death. If Miss Jackson (ooh I am fo’ real) should no longer able to care for the kids, custody will go to Diana Ross.

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So basically, these kids are looking at a life with either a bit of trailer trash who could close her eyes and think about the $ signs whilst pretending she was having sex with someone who didn’t need the Crayola people to fix his face everyday or a hopeless enabler who stood by while her husband beat his kids for missing a note. Give those kids to Diana Ross, already!

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They won’t need those face masks anymore, they can just hide under her skirt.

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