Unless you can put “getting huge fake breast implants and bleaching hair until it looks like a Barbie doll that’s been ravaged by the sands of time” on your resume, Brooke Hogan and Heidi Montag are pretty useless people. That’s why it’s extra important for them to engineer pointless feuds with each other in that manner unique to only our species: the dis song. A lyrical sample from La Hogan’s upcoming single “Ur Not So Hot” where she takes aim at Hills Ho Heidi Montag:

Umm. Hey Brooke, what’s up?” the Heidi-impersonator says. “This is Heidi Montag. I just want to let you know that I’m making a record and that your record … better watch its back. And, if you think that Stack$ is awesome, just wait for Spencer. Bye.”

What did Heidi do to incure such wrath? We turn to Brooke’s Twitter account for these hard hitting facts:

“WHY???? Because I can,” she wrote. “And this is just the tip of the iceberg! I’m so sick of people that use me and my family, people with NO talent calling people out who work harder than them, and just people who have a dumbass attitude to begin with.”

I can get behind Brooke’s logic. Rich girls from craptastic reality series whose consumption of silicone rivals that of Microsoft just coasting along on their 15 minutes of fame recording musical atrocities absolutely deserve this shabby treatment. Brooke is different! She’s special! You would be too if your childhood consisted of watching your father wrangle with other men in a unitard! Take that, Heidi!

Michael Jackson’s baby mama Debbie Rowe is fighting the Jackson clan for custody of the children she bore with him during their marriage:

“I want my children,” Rowe said in an interview Thursday morning with radio station KNBC in Los Angeles. Rowe also said she was willing to undergo DNA testing to prove she is indeed the children’s biological mother.
She also said she will seek a restraining order to keep Joe Jackson away from the children.

Good luck with all that, Debs. Keeping Joe Jackson from potential money making children is like trying to keep away ants at a picnic. Or keeping Kirstie Alley from devouring that entire picnic, checkered tablecloth included.

All of this defies Jackson’s wishes as his will specified that the children should go to his mother Katherine who has been caring for the children since his death. If Miss Jackson (ooh I am fo’ real) should no longer able to care for the kids, custody will go to Diana Ross.

So basically, these kids are looking at a life with either a bit of trailer trash who could close her eyes and think about the $ signs whilst pretending she was having sex with someone who didn’t need the Crayola people to fix his face everyday or a hopeless enabler who stood by while her husband beat his kids for missing a note. Give those kids to Diana Ross, already!

They won’t need those face masks anymore, they can just hide under her skirt.

Can Gary Coleman ever catch a break? His parents stole all his money, he’s stuck with a catch phrase that will probably be printed on his tombstone and now his wife Shannon Price has been arrested for domestic violence:

Shannon Price, 23, was booked into the Utah County jail about 8:30 p.m. Wednesday and released about two hours later after posting about $1,200 bail. Police officers arrived at the couple’s Santaquin home after she locked Coleman out, according to a booking statement. Price swore at an officer as people walked by on the sidewalk. When police entered the home, they found she had “destroyed” Coleman’s bedroom, tipping over his dresser, emptying out drawers and damaging shelves. “She told him, ‘You deserve this after how you treated me,’ ” according to the documents.

Really? Honestly? She’s a FOOT TALLER than him! He needs a stepladder to even begin to defend himself! Would Arnold Drummond have taken any of this crap from a chick with so much upper gum line she makes Mr. Ed and the rest of the stables horny? I highly doubt it. The Gooch never got to him and that broad shouldn’t either.

So Farrah Fawcett arrives at the Pearly Gates, nipples a-blazing with their former pin up girl glory restored from those last cancer ravaged days. St. Peter welcomes her warmly, trying to be discreet about sneaking a peek at those nostalgic hooters asking her “Farrah, you’ve struggled so much and contributed to so many young monkey spanking sessions, we’re making you a real angel! Do you have any wishes we could grant you?”

Farrah dabs her eyes and touches up the ‘do with some Aqua Net. “I just want the children of the world to be safe!”

St. Peter and her embrace once more until they are startled by a “Hee hee Shamoan!”

Yeah. Is it too early for this kind of stuff? Never.

Well folks, there will be no more skin pigment altering, no more plastic surgery to enhance alien appearances, and depending where he goes, no more moonwalking.  Michael Jackson is dead at the age of 50.  The pop star turned freaky alien like had many hits.  Billie Jean, Thriller, Beat It, Smooth Criminal, and more, are now, no more.

I guess there’s no hope for any future tours, not that I’m personally disappointed, although I’ll probably still find myself singing along to Smooth Criminal whenever it mysteriously creeps its way onto my iPhone.

Well folks, that’s all she wrote.  Just Beat it!