Former Hills Ho Lauren Conrad continues to celebrate her departure from television by appearing on other television programs discussing her decision to end her stint as a reality starlet. Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. How can we miss you if you and your vapid little viewpoint won’t go away? She’s like that guy you dated in junior high who dumped you in front of everyone at the roller rink but continued to call you under the pretense of soliciting the answers to the geometry homework and we all know that is the universal sign of a 13 year old boys heart telling him he just made a huge mistake when he ditched you in all your Hypercolor clad glory.

Anyway, David Letterman got all weird and pervy when the subject of LC’s rumored sex tape popped up like so many indiscreet boners. At least he has the desk to cover his horny shame! Apart from sorry old men does anyone really find the prospect of a Conrad sex tape that titillating? I can just see Brody Jenner thrusting away, grunting about how awesome his toned body is while Lauren rolls her eyes and reapplies her lip gloss leaving like, Justin-Bobby to clean up the wet spot.

Lindsay Lohan went running back to heterosexuality by issuing a statement over the breakup between herself and DJ Samantha Ronson:

“We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself,”

Good for her! And by focus I’m sure she means hooking up with random guys behind In-n-Out Burger for a line of coke and the promise of a tray of discounted Animal Style Fries. Hey, we all process grief differently.

Mom of 14 Nadya Suleman was mobbed last night as she brought the first two of her 8 newborn babes plus her six older children home from Kaiser Permanente Hospital and her mom’s crib. Suleman and her brood received a warm welcome the likes of which have not been seen since Dr. Frankenstein’s neighbors dropped by with pitchforks and torches. The chaos in which people were reportedly run over with her SUV prompted Nadya to call 911:

I need help and this is not safe for any of the kids. Please hurry. They are trying to break down the garage door. We pulled in and they are swarming the whole area”

Too bad she didn’t pay attention to lessons learned by other pouty lipped brunettes:

A little bit of semen can cause a whole mess of trouble.

I bet it goes “Bitch
you best not run your mouth ‘cuz
I’ll beat you again!”

No no no no no no no …
Maybe.

Okay, maybe that’s what they said when 007 producers enlisted Duran Duran to record the theme for A View To A Kill - one of the great opening sequences in Bond history. However, I just don’t see this one working having Alicia Keys paired with Jack White for Quantum of Solace’s theme.

Alicia Keys could hold this one on her own. There’s no doubt about that. Strong voice, good song-writing sensabilities. But Jack White - from The White Stripes? You know Wings did a cracker for Live And Let Die, but there isn’t a White Stripes song that stands against even the iffiest of Wings tunes. I was hoping that maybe White would just lay in the cut, but it turns out he’s written the track all himself. Could it possibly be good enough for my high Shirley Bassey standards?

Maybe he totally flips the deck and does a Duran Duran on me with an awesome Bond sizzler. I’m honestly looking forward to finding out.