We all need alcohol, you feel me? Maybe you don’t, with your awesome credit scores and realistic toupees but if you are like me, you need booze. You might as well leave Cristal to the hos in the hot tub of some Jay-Z video because the buck fifty you scraped off the topless dancing runway is going to fix the hole you punched in the trailer ceiling. Besides, the new panty dropping beverage of choice will be the wine produced by rapper Lil’ Jon:

The wine is more nature: I wanted to not just have a direct connection, but make it just a little bit more upscale than regular ‘Lil Jon.’ … This is not no ghetto Boone’s Farm; this is some real wine.”

At first I thought, uh huh, this is going to taste like cough syrup and the sweat wrung from prison jumpsuits but how pretentious is that? It could be the next Baron Rothschild! Something you could freely drink in the park without a paper bag because people would see you getting wasted and say “Now there’s a homeless person with fine taste in wine!”

Some Eurotrash has it in his mind that using Britney Spears as the face of a new line of furniture is going to bring in the Big Bens:

Spies say Spears pere is in talks with Danish celebrity broker Claus Hjelmbak to “bring Danish accent pieces to the United States . . . Britney will be the face of the brand.” The insider tells us that Hjelmbak and Jamie Spears have been working out the deal for more than two months. Hjelmbak and Britney met at the Scandinavian Style Mansion back in December 2007, when Britney was reportedly paid $1 million to celebrate her birthday at the event, hosted by Sharon Stone.

I could see this happening, like people coming over and asking “Why is your couch covered in what looks like dog feces and ratty clumps of 100% Hawaiian Silky stuck on there with Hilton Strength Weave Glue?” Then you could just smile and pound some more Red Bull and Vodka while letting everyone know that what may look like something recovered from the Goodwill reject pile is actually a Britney Spears Limited Edition complete with hidden Fry Daddy for those late night Deep Fried Oreo cravings.

I know it’s a terrible title, but I don’t think a boy band from the early 90’s deserves much more than absolute crap.

Somebody must need to pay child support or keep from going bankrupt(financially, not spiritually. I think it’s pretty clear that sell your soul when you join the dark league that is a boy band.)because the New Kids On The Block are making a comeback! Comeblock? Naw, that sounds like something that’s a sign of prostate cancer.

After a 14-year hiatus, the group will release a new album this summer and go on tour this fall. But first it will return to its old stomping grounds: the Tweeter Center on May 18 for the sold-out Kiss Concert.

What’s really sad is all this is the dream come true for all those NKOTB fans who got pregnant by some Guido at the age of 15 and now lives in a shotgun house in South Jersey still creating holes in the ozone later with her Aqua Net and noxious farts from a steady diet of Arby’s and Tasti D-Lite. That’s class.

Dude. DUDE. That’s not your girlfriend. That’s your DAUGHTER, albeit in a more leathery casing. You can’t be banging a chick that looks like your little girl after the tanning bed and plastic surgery takes its toll! The only thing that girl is good for is parading her in front of said daughter as what the future looks like if you don’t use at least SPF 45. Rowdy Rodder Piper would never have done something like this.

Heinous zit? Cold sore? Itchy STD rash that’s worked its way from her poisoned nether regions in a quest to see daylight and perhaps something other than a steady stream of C list man meat? Click on the jump to find out.

Read the rest of What’s Paris Hiding On Her Face?