Something tells me there won’t be any s’mores and campfire stories in Mrs. Cruise’s future. Scientology Camp is is probably less about making friendship bracelets and more about auditing the demons that dwell within by drinking lots of oil and sitting in a hot room. Don’t believe me? Google it, bitches.

“It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes,” a Scientology insider reveals. “Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels.” Katie’s intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie’s been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.

Look, I know Mad Money was a total bust but is this where she’s at in her life? A few ugly tabloid covers and a wild hair up her ass about a week or two alone in NYC sans husband results in a forced sweat lodge visit accompanied by salad dressing ingredients? Oy.

Billy Bob Thornton’s 14 year old son Willie has been the victim of a 22 year old sexual predator whose cover was blown(ha!)by an ex-boyfriend who informed police she was sleeping with a minor. No high fives, please. Just because he’s a dude doesn’t make it all Penthouse Letters worthy. Just looking at the picture above is giving me a clue as to how things are working around the Thornton household. Daddy with his tongue rammed down the throat of a woman half his age, poor Willie in a buttoned up shirt like some polygamist cult member trying hard to ignore Billy Bob’s greying chest hair spilling all over the place. That boy doesn’t have issues, he’s got a freaking magazine stand.

Little Miley Cyrus has cause a big fuss with some semi-nude shots taken by master photographer Annie Leibovitz:

I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed,” she said in the statement. “I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

Um, I can kind of see what everyone from Bill O’Reilly to my horny next door neighbor is in an uproar over but personally? Underaged Tubercular Malnourished Extra from the set of Les Miserables reworked for the High School Musical crowd does very little to entice my erotic sensibilities.

I am so in love with Mariah Carey’s outfit in that picture. She looks like a hooker at one of those brothels where they all dress in theme costume and her John just stumbled into the Naughty Preppy Girl Room. Mariah andher surgically enhanced goodness and shamefully horrid movies never fail to put a smile on my face. When my dented Toyota Camry and 2 dollar an hour waitressing job has me down in the dumps I just pop Glitter in and am reminded that things could indeed be so much worse than they are. The reviews for her new flick Tennessee aren’t in yet, but something tells me that the woebegone tale of an aspiring singer called Krystal(like the little gassy burgers!)on the run from an abusive hubby isn’t going to win any Oscar nods. At least she has Nick Cannon to console her, the 27 year old rapper has been bumping uglies with the 38 year old songbird for some time now, Carey even sports a massive rock on her engagement finger. It’s all very hush hush but expect to see a tacky spread of a wedding in the future on the cover of Ebony with her dog dressed up in like in a little tuxedo.

Come on. Her mother is one of the most image obsessed people alive yet little Lola’s got a unibrow that sends those lame cavemen from the car insurance commercials running back to their lairs to get a piece of the sun that fell from the earth and burn the monster to death. I know some of you are going to be all “She’s a child, leave her alone!” I’ll leave her alone when she leaves me some of her trust fund. You can’t honestly tell me that child lives in the same house with Madonna and has no idea how to wield a pair of tweezers? I’m sure there’s some hot wax laying around the house from a sexual encounter with a guy dressed in a Caligula costume, let’s get that going so she can blossom into the flower she is.