Come on. Her mother is one of the most image obsessed people alive yet little Lola’s got a unibrow that sends those lame cavemen from the car insurance commercials running back to their lairs to get a piece of the sun that fell from the earth and burn the monster to death. I know some of you are going to be all “She’s a child, leave her alone!” I’ll leave her alone when she leaves me some of her trust fund. You can’t honestly tell me that child lives in the same house with Madonna and has no idea how to wield a pair of tweezers? I’m sure there’s some hot wax laying around the house from a sexual encounter with a guy dressed in a Caligula costume, let’s get that going so she can blossom into the flower she is.

You Know Her Kids Are
Like “Mom, Stop Showing Your Cootch!”
Fifty Is Too Old

Playing Little Bo Peep has gotten Madonna into the deep after animal right’s activists became infuriated with her decision to dye the sheep on her English estate pink, green and yellow:

An RSPCA spokesperson said: “Why is it necessary and what are they trying to prove? It is an irresponsible publicity stunt. It sends out the wrong message about how to use animals.”

Madge said the dye was temporary and safe for the animals but that didn’t do much to smooth ruffled feathers. I also wonder about the mental health of the person behind this doozy of an idea. Is there someone, perhaps a man in a velvet cape and satin hat with ostrich feathers twirling his pencil mustache swooshing around Madonna’s drawing room screeching “We MUST have the PINK SHEEP! No PhotoShop! Only dye can accurately represent my vision! Wait, who are you again? Madonna? Ye Gods, it’s been a long time since La Isla Bonita, hasn’t it?”

After ‘adopting’ the 2 year-old Malawian boy, David Banda, Madonna and Guy Richie are scared of Penston Kilembe — director of Malawi’s Ministry of Child Welfare - and his upcoming visit to their London home where he’ll be observing the family.

“This home study is a big deal," a source of The Sun said. "And Madonna and Guy have been absolutely dreading it. Malawi is a conservative country that disapproves of drugs, alcohol, divorce and cheating."

“These assessments are very gruelling and many couples don’t pass.”

In two weeks Kilembe will spend 5 days with the couple, observing them for up to 5 hours a day at their £5.7million home.

Last year 50 civil rights groups filed petitions trying to block Madonna’s adoption of David and if Kilembe finds out Madonna mixes vodka with all that Kabala water she drinks, they’re in real trouble.

Of course, if this one falls through the couple have already picked out another kid from Africa named Grace. Outrageous.

Madge, Madge, Madge! Little David Banda is not the first Holy Infant in your entourage and you aren’t some twenty something dim bulb so why are you taking a cue from Britney and riding around with him in your lap coming back from Kabbalah services?

“There was no car seat,” a source tells Us. “She sat in the middle row, and they left with David on her lap.” Reps for the legendary singer/children’s book author tell Us that “proper security measures are always taken for Madonna’s children.”

We need you to be a role model for moms right now, Mad, not some flibberty gibbit who steals babies in the dead of night using their star power to get the accessory du jour of a interracial adoption then tries to kill them by smooshing them into the front seat. Leave the Mommie Dearest act to Joan Crawford and buckle King David up good and proper.