Just as I was putting away the Kleenex over the parting of Justin-Bobby and Audrina, now we have deal with the imminent breakup of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt! Oh, the humanity!

“Spencer and I have really had our ups and downs this past year,” Montag tells Us. “I’ve definitely been betrayed by friends before, but I’ve never had a boyfriend do this to me.” She adds, “Spencer and I may differ on what it means to cheat.”

Spencer Pratt seems exactly like the kind of guy you’d find at the strip club covered in edible body glitter reeking of whatever Designer Imposters deodorant spray was on sale at Target this week as he claims to be “helping humanity” by stuffing dollar bills into some girl named Sweetest Taboo’s G-string. Uh huh. Because her college fund only accepts one dollar bills as part of the Captain Save-A-Ho Foundation. He’s on the board with Bret Michaels and Flava Flav.

Squashed next to what looks like a poor rendition Dr. Frank N. Furter and a quite on target Della Reese impersonator is American Idolette David Hernandez in the days where the only thing that stood between him and some horny guys dollar bills was a thin piece of leopard printed spandex:

Gordy Bryan, told the news service on Monday that Glendale, Arizona-native Hernandez had performed fully nude and gave lap dances to the club’s mostly male clientele. “He had the look and the type that people like, so he made pretty good money here,” Bryan said. The alcohol-free club was named the “best gay male revue” in 2004 by the Phoenix New Times, which said that the cabaret’s dancers “fit a flurry of fantasy roles, performing as sailors, construction workers, cowboys, and whatever else tickles their, uh, fancy.”

This is nothing but prejudice, pure and simple. Some people get cash by swiping their card at the ATM, he made his by letting dudes swipe theirs between his tanned toned but cheeks. Can’t a man earn a living? Sheesh.

Reality TV’s most plastic family The Kardashians has gotten themselves into hot water with Brandy’s mom of all people. You remember Brandy, right? No? She was on some show called Moesha? Still no? All you really need to know is that at one point in the 90’s people thought she was cool. She was right up there with band collar silk shirts and Color Me Badd. Anyway, her mom is ticked at Kim Kardashian for some credit card fraud:

According to the suit, Kim allegedly gave the card to other members of her family — Khloe, Kourtney and Robert Jr. The suit claims in 2006, the Ks racked up $62,793.83 in unauthorized charges. And, in 2007, they blew another $57,841.82. The total: $120,635.65. And get this for audacity: the suit claims the Kardashians charged thousands of dollars in their own stores, Dash and Smooch. It’s unclear why Sonja didn’t just cancel the card.

I guess Sonja had other things to worry about considering Brandy was supposed to be on her way to jail for killing people in a car accident, but even so, she could have picked up the phone and had that cut off from the Bootylicious Clan. And why the hell would you charge stuff at your own stores? You don’t see Ronald McDonald out there behind Mickey D’s with a stocking over his head stuffing garbage bags full of Big Macs then trying to make a break for it.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of the MTV Slutfest that is The Hills have called off their wedding! I know! I’ll give you a minute to compose yourself. Go on and get your inhaler. Bring me a smoothie and one of those big cookies back, too.

I am sure there is a large cross section of America who will be crushed by this news, but don’t you worry about them. Christmas is around the corner and they can console themselves with Bratz dolls and the board game version of High School Musical 2. Hey, I heard Zac Efron is going to be at Jamba Juice later! That’ll make up for this tragedy.

Booberella of The Hills Heidi Montag is following in the footsteps of her former BFF Lauren Conrad by designing her own line of clothing for the chain Anchor Blue:

“It’s going to be called Heidiwood, and I’m so excited! It’s going to be very price oriented. I want all my fans to be able to buy it. I want to bring that fashionable clothing line down to a price range where people can actually afford it. I want to do some cute spring dresses, some little flowy summer dresses, some fun things for girls. The [Lauren Conrad] fashion line is more bows and a little girlier, mine’s going to be more sexy and fun. I think they can both do well. They’re very different. So good luck to her. I’m not doing this to compete.”

First of all, the name is all wrong. It should be something like “Heidi Ho Wear” or “Hooty McBoobington’s Fantastic Frocks.” Secondly, why do best friends on reality shows have to go all cage fighter on each other? Ratings boosts? Anyway, you know every little mall rat is going to put down their Bratz doll and run to the stores to buy Heidiwood and there isn’t much we can do about that. We can only hope she uses some of that money to do something about fake fiancee Spencer Pratt’s hair:

Homeskillet is about 2 inches away from the explosive minefield coif that is Napoleon Dynamite: