Something tells me there won’t be any s’mores and campfire stories in Mrs. Cruise’s future. Scientology Camp is is probably less about making friendship bracelets and more about auditing the demons that dwell within by drinking lots of oil and sitting in a hot room. Don’t believe me? Google it, bitches.

“It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes,” a Scientology insider reveals. “Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels.” Katie’s intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie’s been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.

Look, I know Mad Money was a total bust but is this where she’s at in her life? A few ugly tabloid covers and a wild hair up her ass about a week or two alone in NYC sans husband results in a forced sweat lodge visit accompanied by salad dressing ingredients? Oy.

Based on the photo above I would say “Appreciates the view one gets when one is shorter than one’s wife”, but that isn’t it. Nicole Kidman’s reps have confirmed that she is indeed expecting a wee Urbanette in 2008! Aaww, this is so sweet and wonderfil; Nicole has been trying for ages to have a biological child and I wish her and Keith all the happiness in the world. Also, I hope that someday the little tyke and Suri Cruise throw down Wu-Tang style in front of like, a Taco Bell or something so we can see who wins. Place your bets now!

It’s no secret Tom Cruise is one of the shorter men in Hollywood.

Now in response to Katie Holmes’ height and affection for high heels, Tom is reportedly stealing them and giving them the chuck so she doesn’t tower over him anymore.

“Katie says she’ll look for some of her favorite high heels and when she can’t find them, she’ll ask Tom about it,” the friend told Star Magazine. “He’ll say ‘Oh, Lee Anne [Tom’s sister] wanted to borromw them.’ And then, for some reason, they never turn up again.”

“But Katie doesn’t call Tom out on it - she just shrugs and says, ‘Well, he’s given me another reason to go shopping for another pair!’”

That’s a good attitude from Katie! However, this is definitely a sign of a split. I’m going out on a limb and calling an end to this one by the end of the year. Quote Me!

Awesome as in “Wow, those cost more than the surgery I so depserately need!” While the rest of us are out there with a can of red spray paint and some BOGOs from Payless in a desperate attempt to look chic, budding fashionista Suri Cruise will be getting her very first pair of Christian Louboutins under the Christmas Tree(Scientology Bush? Or is that Katie’s new nickname?)

An unnamed source tells OK! that Suri’s parents — Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — had a mold made of little Suri’s foot, which will then be used to have hand-crafted shoes made to her “exact specifications.” The cost of the mold is $2,500, and depending on their selection, Tom and Katie can be expected to shell out anywhere from $500 to $5,000 additional for the shoes themselves. 19-month-old Suri, a source told the magazine, is Christian Louboutin’s “youngest client.”

Aww, lil’ Louboutins for Suri, how do you like that? If you are anything like me, it makes you so blind with rage you want to rain blows down upon your parents for never giving you designer shoes.

Oy Gevalt, Tom Cruise!

This one really hits below the belt because my elderly Jewish neighbor cornered me earlier screaming about how Hollywood Fuhrer Tom Cruise was at a Paris premiere promoting a movie where he plays a Nazi officer and he just happens to be making a gesture that could very well pass for a Seig Heil, particularly if you can’t see that great without your sequined reading glasses. Which Mrs. Steinel cannot.

Tom, I tried to explain to her that you were probably just waving to your fans and not giving a Big Ups to a regime that murdered over 6 million of her peeps, but she wasn’t really having it and I don’t blame her. Get rid of the sweaty Hitler bangs, too, T. You look like a Brownshirt Youth caught up in the Emo Revolution.